I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
