community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She's the barista slut.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
