Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
zippers are such a cool invention
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
