onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?