i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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