I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
whose ass print is on the piano?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
