her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
