What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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