i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
