So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
