Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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