and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
