I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
