I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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