Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
