just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
