Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
