sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
