Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
