Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Randomize
