I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
