Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
