what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
