What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
