sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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