forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Barsexuality is the new black.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i need some magic done to my vagina
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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