Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
