So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
