we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
