Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
