tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
