Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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