haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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