just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
