Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
