Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
