Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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