end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
