Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I will pee on everything he values.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
