I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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