So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
