Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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