what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
