I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
