I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my being single is dangerous.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
