I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
