i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
