I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
