I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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