I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
