She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
