apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
