Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
