so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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