FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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