And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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