i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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