Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
