it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
