We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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