I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Do you still have your period?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
