i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you inspire me to be a worse person
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Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
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While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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