dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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